Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Poem of the week: Granny in the poo

The day Granny fell in the poo and was chased by hounds

Here's a story of our Granny,
She may be old but she is canny
Gran does what Grans never do,
And one day she FELL IN THE POO!
And then was chased through woods and bogs
By an excited pack of dogs!

Granddad and she walked on the downs,
Where you can view the sea and towns.
They walked past an old famous pond
To see the countryside beyond.
Then Gran saw something she thought might
Be some old prehistoric site.
A place that could be very old
Where she’d find, jewels, bones and gold.
“I wonder what this thing could be.
I'll climb on top of it and see!”

She took one step, and then took two,
There was a squelch beneath her shoe,
Her foot went in, what could she do?
It was a pile of old sheep poo.
She knew that something had gone wrong
When she first smelt the horrid PONG!
Oh what an awful sight to see,
One leg was in beyond her knee.
The other sinking rather fast,
And every step might be her last.
She shouted to her husband Nick
“I’m falling in.  Please help me, quick”

Nick answered “Grab my hand. You must!
Roll and you won't go through the crust.”
So she rolled down and all was well,
Excepting for the awful smell.
She stood up then and almost cried.
She said, “I really might have died!
I didn’t like it – nor would you,
To drown in piles of smelly poo!”

The two of them made quite a scene,
Their feet and legs were browny green.
Then Granny said, “Here’s what we’ll do,
Run to the pond. Wash off the poo!”
They ran, looked round for men and houses,
And seeing none, took off Gran’s trousers.
She washed her legs and feet so green,
Till they were moderately clean.
Then suddenly a fox rushed by.
And granddad said "I wonder why ...."
Then they heard barks and hunting sounds
And then they saw a pack of hounds!

The hounds smelt Gran and thought "That knocks
Spots off the boring smell of fox.
Lets go and see what it can be
It smells like paradise to me."
And so the hounds all turned and ran
Until they had surrounded Gran.
They barked and woofed and wagged their tails
And licked her toes and feet and nails.
They swallowed both of granny's socks
The huntsman shouted "Chase the fox!"
"Let go my trousers "Granny screams
They'd grabbed her trousers by the seams
And two dogs pulled on both the legs.
"Don't pull so hard" our granny begs.
But then there was a tearing sound
A pair of shorts lay on the ground.

The huntsman yelled. "Your stupid stunt
Has totally destroyed our hunt.
There's only one thing I can do
I'll set the hounds to chasing YOU!"
There wasn't any time to plan.
Gran grabbed her pants and off they ran!
The hounds came after thinking "Well
What fun to chase this lovely smell."
Well, just imagine how it feels
When hounds are biting at your heels.
They saw a tree and did not stop,
Till they' had scrambled to the top.
When they looked down all they could see
Was hounds who barked around the tree.

The huntsman shouted "Just my luck.
Hounds must go home - I hope you're stuck!"
And so they were. Stuck in the tree.
They didn't dare climb down you see.
A woman rode up on a hoss.
"Oh Lord" said Granddad, "she looks cross."
She shouoted "YOU get off my land!
You hippie nudists shoulld bel banned!
You totally destroy my view.
The tree is ruined and I'll sue!"
Then Granny said "We can't get down"
The woman gave a haughty frown.
"I'll call my men who have an axe.
They'll cut you down in forty wacks."
She called, and Granny's heart went thump.
Gran said. "We're going to have to jump."
They jumped and ran, it wasn't far
Until they'd got into their car.
"Come back and give your name I say"
But Granddad quickly drove away.

When they got home they had to laugh,
As they sat in a lovely bath.

Gran's trousers, just to end my song,
Had one leg short, the other long.

 Nick Mellersh 2009 for our golden wedding party

With Christmas coming I thought the tone of this blog needed lightening up.  We have been on gloom and war all through November.  Seeing my only fan is my great niece, I thought she and others lucky enough to have a childish  temprament enjoy this tale which is based on a sort of truth.  Granny did step into a pile of sheep poo on the downs thinking it might be some historic tumulus and did wash herself in one of the dew-ponds you find up there.  The story about the hunt and the tree is, thank goodness, fiction.

Don't forget to look at the sister blog "Nude a week" by my wife, where there is a sweet little Christmas film see
And don't forget my father's ebooks at, an excellent Christmas present for anyone interested in the story of the first World War. 
Hope to put up another of these stories during December and a holy one for Christmas sorry it will have to be orthodox Christmas or Epiphany now£.  Meanwhile happy Christmas to all my readers (hope there are some!! I'd love to hear from you.
,Love Nick

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