Poem a week 1: Christmas letter from the Family Schadenfreude

The one we all secretly hope to receive

Christmas letters from the friends are a great idea I have always thought. However the constant upbeat tone and the secret feeling of annoyance that every other family is much clever and more successful than your own brings mixed feelings (at any rate to me.) I long for a bit of schadenfreude (taking pleasure in my friends' discomfort.) So here's hoping for a few letters like the one below.

Time to take up my pen again, now, at the old year's turning

I'm pleased to say that 2014 has given our family lots of “opportunities for learning.”

In the bye-election we talked of last year Bill did get fourteen votes but sadly he lost his deposit.

He was doing so well with the Anti-Gay Alliance until he foolishly came out of the closet,

Daughter Jill is appealing over the withdrawal of funds from her Cambridge PHD,

And has a good chance of success, or so it seems to me.

It's perfectly true it really is much speedier

To cut and paste your research directly from Wikipedia.

There's been a significant change to James's glamorous wedding plan

The beautiful Russian Anastasia turns out to come from Watford and to be a man.

My health improves though I still have that cursed smoker's cough,

But I have much less trouble with my legs now they are both cut off.

You may be wondering why this letter is being penned by me rather than my dear wife Grace.

Well I have to report that she has moved on to what we are all sure is a much better place.

A place where the angelic listeners will never get tired

Of her charming insistence to keep on and on talking of the wonderful successes of her family and why they should all be admired.

I'd like to add more but the police are breaking down the door to arrest me for Grace's “moider”

So I'll down my pen and wish you a fun filled 2015 from the

Family Schadenfreude

Poem Nick Mellersh.  Clipart from http://old.wallcoo.net